Dear Amy: My husband and I have one daughter, 21, who is a college student. I cannot get him to understand that kids need to make mistakes in order to learn. He believes it’s our job to keep them from making mistakes. He drills her on details about school and even reads her email to make sure she’s not missing something. She doesn’t want his help and I tell him to stop doing her thinking, planning, and problem-solving. Because of this, we have conflict. My motto is, “What’s the worst thing that can happen? His anger about this is causing marriage problems. Please advise what I might do. — Hurting Mom Dear Hurting: When parents basically function for their adult children, the “worst that can happen” is actually pretty bad. Related Articles Ask Amy: Cowboy needs to wrangle human predators Ask Amy: Family should explore legacy of trauma Ask Amy: Daughter wants needy mom to back off Ask Amy: Friendship falters over bungled gift Ask Amy: If you can’t save the marriage, protect the assets If your husband keeps this up, your daughter could end up with no problem-solving skills of her own, which would impact her ability to work, live independently, have healthy relationships, or even attend to her own personal health and safety. Or — more likely — she will defy him and set up a sort of “shadow” life that he can’t surveil. I’m suggesting that in order for her to mature along the expected developmental path toward independence she may have to break with him once she is tired of his control. You are your daughter’s parent, just as much as your husband is.