The Onion: Sports
- Qatar Unveils Indentured Mascot For 2022 World Cup
Friday - 07/13/2018 - 11:30 AMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Does The World Cup Enforce The False Construct Of Borders Imposed On Us By The Ruling Elite?
Saturday - 06/30/2018 - 12:00 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Report: That Kid Can Play
Wednesday - 06/27/2018 - 12:45 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Lionel Messi Pissed After Forgetting To Wear Fitbit During Last Game
Monday - 06/18/2018 - 04:31 PMMOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Coworker Following World Cup Goes All-In On Tenuous Family Connection To Portugal
Friday - 06/15/2018 - 05:32 PMWILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Has The U.S. Men’s Soccer Team Earned The Right To Watch The World Cup?
Thursday - 06/14/2018 - 06:24 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Justify, Bravazo Get Into Skirmish During Belmont Stakes Weigh-In
Saturday - 06/09/2018 - 03:45 PMELMONT, NY—After weeks of trading insults and mounting animosity between the 3-year-old colts, the weigh-in for the Belmont Stakes erupted into an all-out brawl Saturday as Justify and Bravazo exchanged blows on the stage.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Cash-Strapped FiveThirtyEight Lays Off Dozens Of Top Algorithms
Friday - 06/01/2018 - 12:09 PMNEW YORK—Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. “While these data programs have provided readers with countless insights into sports and politics over the past few…Read more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Jerry Jones Offers To Pay Players' Fines For Domestic Violence
Friday - 05/25/2018 - 12:28 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Injury Footage Sponsored
Tuesday - 05/22/2018 - 09:35 AMRead more...
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- Wimbledon Grounds Crew Frustrated After Learning About Cement Courts
Monday - 07/09/2018 - 01:29 PMLONDON—Regretting all the time and energy they wasted caring for the grass lawn, the grounds crew at the All England Club in Wimbledon was reportedly frustrated Monday after learning about the existence of cement tennis courts.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Child At Baseball Game Lost In Forest Of Cargo Shorts, Milky-White Calves
Friday - 06/29/2018 - 02:20 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Ovechkin Hopes To Inspire Other Athletes To Power Through Month-Long Bender
Tuesday - 06/19/2018 - 05:25 PMWASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Will The World Cup Inspire More Americans To Play FIFA Online With Hank?
Saturday - 06/16/2018 - 11:00 AMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Is Cristiano Ronaldo Or Gerard Piqué The Most Smoking-Hot Piece Of Man-Meat In The World Cup?
Friday - 06/15/2018 - 01:57 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Every Bar Patron Watching World Cup Has Different, Incorrect Definition Of Offside Rule
Thursday - 06/14/2018 - 11:50 AMHAWTHORNE, CA—Citing their experiences watching recent World Cups, MLS matches, and various youth soccer games, every patron at O’Brien’s Pub offered a different, incorrect definition of the sport’s notoriously nebulous “offside” ruling.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Confident J.R. Smith Reveals He Knew Exactly What Score Was At End Of Game 2
Monday - 06/04/2018 - 01:43 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office
Tuesday - 05/29/2018 - 10:32 AMWESTFORD, MA—Chastising himself for not double-checking everything before he left for the day, Puma researcher Benjamin Harris was reportedly overcome Friday by a nagging feeling that he had left Usain Bolt running at the office.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- New NFL Policy Requires All Players To Honor Patriotic Spirit Of Subservience That American Flag Represents
Wednesday - 05/23/2018 - 02:56 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - MLB Reminds Teams To Properly Dispose Of All Torn Elbow Ligaments
Tuesday - 05/22/2018 - 08:53 AMNEW YORK—Annoyed with the players’ complete lack of common courtesy, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred sternly reminded teams Friday to properly dispose of any torn elbow ligaments. “Any discarded elbow ligaments should be tied off in a plastic bag and dropped in the designated receptacles.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time
Tuesday - 07/10/2018 - 03:37 PMLONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Where, O Where Will LeBron James Go? Whither His Future, Wherefore His Team?
Thursday - 06/28/2018 - 06:46 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Overly Enthusiastic Cristiano Ronaldo Accidentally Rips Off Upper-Body Skin After Scoring Goal
Wednesday - 06/20/2018 - 03:12 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Moscow Officials Deny Accusations Of Money Laundering After World Cup Game Played In $1.2 Billion Vacant Gravel Lot
Friday - 06/15/2018 - 05:11 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Jeff Lurie Announces Plans For 2213-Diamond Eagles Super Bowl Rings In Reference To 22-13 Halftime Score
Friday - 06/15/2018 - 01:41 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - TBS To Revive 1990s Atlanta Braves
Wednesday - 06/13/2018 - 01:33 PMATLANTA—Promising that fans would get to see all their old favorites in new and exciting situations, TBS announced plans Wednesday to revive classic 1990s baseball team the Atlanta Braves. “By bringing back the beloved Atlanta Braves of the ’90s, we hope to capture the spirit and fun of the original team but with a…Read more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Ovechkin Knocks Out Rest Of Teeth While Kissing Stanley Cup
Thursday - 06/07/2018 - 06:32 PMRead more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night
Friday - 05/25/2018 - 06:50 PMNEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who…Read more...
More | Talk | Read It Later | Share - Red Sox Team Doctor Unclear Whether He Supposed To Join Fight Or Not
Wednesday - 05/23/2018 - 07:15 PMTAMPA BAY, FL—Watching with puzzled concern as his team ran onto the field and began shoving the opposing players, Boston Red Sox physician Adam Foster told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear if he should join a bench-clearing brawl with the Tampa Bay Rays.More | Talk | Read It Later | Share
- Robinson Cano: ‘I Deeply Apologize For Using Performance Enhancers To Make This Boring Game More Awesome’
Friday - 05/18/2018 - 11:15 AMRead more...
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