Ask Amy: Man Doesn’t Want Cancer To Define Him

Dear Amy: I’m a 57-year-old man. I was recently diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. I am obviously not overjoyed, but I am totally accepting of this news. Living with — not dying of — cancer means a few lifestyle changes and the need to be more aware of things. My cancer is not curable, but it is treatable; similar to many other illnesses. I have a large circle of family, friends, and acquaintances who have been supportive of me during my life. I have chosen to share my diagnosis with only a few of them. While I’m OK with my cancer, I know it isn’t going to be well received by most people, and so that’s why I’ve decided to keep it private. I hate seeing people I care about being in pain and/or distressed and knowing the knowledge of my illness will cause this in turn causes me much more pain and distress than the cancer ever will. These folks would definitely step up and help in whatever way they can. I know that after I pass and the news of the cancer becomes known, many of my friends will be blaming themselves for not noticing “the signs,” and will feel awful for that as well. I don’t want people to fawn over me and treat me differently, but I feel guilty about keeping this a secret. Related Articles Ask Amy | Ask Amy: Elderly relatives lurk and report intel Ask Amy | Ask Amy: Distant sibling longs to connect Ask Amy | Ask Amy: A 50-year lie needs to be corrected Ask Amy | Ask Amy: Divorcing dad needs to put son first Ask Amy | Ask Amy: A crowded house needs fewer residents I’m not sure what I’m asking you for, but I’m at a loss about what I should do. Thanks for being here. — Accepting my Diagnosis Dear Accepting: I’m impressed by your equanimity regarding your diagnosis, but I think you’re also getting a little ahead of yourself. It is natural to see your future in a telescoped way right now, and you seem to be focused on anticipating not only your ongoing feelings, but the feelings and reactions of others. But people are complicated, and feelings (including yours) change through time. You should anticipate that the news of your diagnosis could leak out, and if so, other people will react across a spectrum.