MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Tracing the unique behavior back to the dawn of civilization, researchers at Monash University announced Wednesday that lowering one’s voice to discuss a person’s sexual orientation is a physiological trait that evolved in humans over thousands of years.
TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.
Though the clunky plastic shoes have long been criticized as ugly, sales of Crocs surged 1,500 percent after Prince George was photographed wearing a $54 pair of navy blue Crocs at a charity polo match.
WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision making same-sex marriage legal nationwide, sources confirmed Friday that only 47,000 social justice milestones need to be reached before the U.S. achieves full equality.
EVANSTON, IL—In a study published Thursday that looked into the most prevalent uses of the groundbreaking technology, researchers from Northwestern University confirmed that the majority of time machine owners are primarily using their devices in order to get a couple more hours of sleep.
WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate.
Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared Wednesday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential nomination, although the Rhodes Scholar and one-time Republican rising star faces difficult odds in a jam-packed primary field.
BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.
NEW HAVEN, CT—In a startling discovery that sheds new light on the woman Christians revere as the mother of their Lord and Savior, researchers at Yale Divinity School announced Monday that the Blessed Virgin Mary was in fact God’s second choice to bear His only son.
POTOMAC, MD—Providing male employees with an alternative to the standard one or two weeks off, executives from investment firm Wyndham Capital announced Tuesday that the company had begun offering extended paternity leave to any new fathers wanting more time to lose their colleagues’ respect.
BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study published Friday by researchers at Indiana University revealed that U.S. citizens waste approximately 2 million hours annually trying to figure out where a roll of tape starts.
Samsung is working to develop a “clear truck,” which works by using a camera installed on the front to livestream the road ahead onto a mounted video screen on the back, letting drivers see “through” the truck.
WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.
CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.
CHICAGO—After listing off a litany of reasons why he cannot stand his current job, local 27-year-old Don Rutland told reporters Friday that he just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed.
SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes.
AKRON, OH—Squandering the authority and respect accumulated during his tenure, Pantheon Systems senior manager Robert Crawford, 52, reportedly had his clout instantly evaporate Thursday upon his being seen wearing shorts at the company’s annual summer picnic.
CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area.
DETROIT—Free to produce generic versions of the product after DoorBlocker’s 20-year patent ran out last month, hundreds of businesses have begun distributing cheap, off-brand doorstops to retail outlets nationwide, industry analysts confirmed Tuesday.
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision Friday that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional, concluding decades of hard-fought battles by gay rights activists to grant marriage equality to all.
WASHINGTON—Following decades of debate over the constitutional right to same-sex marriage, the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5-4 ruling in favor of the most buck-wild, balls-to-the-wall gay pride parade this country has ever seen.
Running a marathon is a major life goal for many people, but it takes precise planning and extensive training to succeed in the 26.2-mile-long race. Here are some training tips for marathon hopefuls:Quit your jobHire a personal trainer to make sure you’re training as expensively as possibleMake sure you have a pair of new, comfortable running clogsFamiliarize yourself with the course ahead of time so you’ll know how to direct ambulances to your location
Three teenagers in England entering a scientific contest put forward a plan for condoms that would change color when exposed to viral or bacterial sexually transmitted infections, though experts say the technology to actually make the condoms doesn’t exist yet and that there are ethical questions involved with such an invention.
ENCINITAS, CA—Proudly hauling her prized prey across the Holiday Inn Express’ patio Saturday afternoon, mother of three Bonnie Cohn reportedly dragged a pool lounge chair back to her awaiting family like a fresh kill, onlookers confirmed.