Robinson Cano Admits Mariners Give Him Best Chance To Make $240 Million
The Onion's movie critic Peter K.
JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM—Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local ma...
The holiday season is already here, but your new Christmas tree still doesn’t quite have that festive look.
A particularly hardy species of Asian cockroach known as Periplaneta japonica, which can withstand freezing temperatures and winter conditions, has been found in Manhattan, its first confirmed presence in the United States.
NEW YORK—Noting the degree to which he likes to say rhyming words as a type of music, sources confirmed this week that a hip-hop man very much enjoys creating musical rapping sounds with his mouth and recording said sounds for the purpose of commerc...
Roy Halladay Retires A Woman
Newly released documents reveal that members of the National Security Agency spied on multiplayer online games, believing that terrorists might be using the games to communicate, coordinate real-world attacks, and pass money to one another.
CHICAGO—Close friends and family confirmed Tuesday that Bulls point guard Derrick Rose has remained completely silent for the past 17 days, failing to utter one word since learning that the torn meniscus in his right knee will cause him to miss a se...
Uruguay's legislature is voting today to make their country the first in the world to legally regulate the production, distribution, and sale of marijuana, while here in the U.S., state lawmakers continue to weigh arguments over whether to follow Color...
The entertainment world was abuzz this year over Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s newborn daughter North, the series finale of Breaking Bad, as well as the antics of former Disney star Miley Cyrus.
MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel...
CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a promising new economic report published Wednesday by the National Bureau of Economic Research, a steadily growing number of Americans have become delusional enough to open their own businesses.
Least Successful Video Game Franchises
Here are some of the notable gun laws enacted this year
Still unsure what to get everyone on your list this holiday season?
The Onion – America's Finest News Source
Housing prices rebounded in 2013 and U.S.
ATLANTA—Growing increasingly concerned with each successive call, local man Ryan Mead, 24, began to worry late Tuesday afternoon after his drug dealer, Jared, failed to pick up his phone.
BOSTON—His woolen mittens dangling from the ends of his sleeves and his mouth partially agape in breathless wonder, a pudgy doughboy with rosy red cheeks is currently pressing his round button nose up against the display window of a local chocolate ...
FOXBOROUGH, MA—After the star tight end suffered a torn ACL and MCL in his right knee last Sunday, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced this week that Rob Gronkowski has officially been placed in the team’s injured reserve ...
OAKLAND, CA—Calling on his team to use the forces of tension and compression to their advantage, Golden State Warriors head coach Mark Jackson reportedly implored his players Wednesday to play like a suspension bridge.
Mad Men: The sixth season once again defied those who said a period piece featuring attractive, stately men in warmly lit rooms could never succeed.
Top 2 Tsarnaevs Of 2013
What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?
The Onion presents the top tech gadgets of 2013
Hollywood’s hottest stars are pulling out all the stops, creatively murdering their fellow actors to try and snag Oscar gold!
Top Quotes From 2013
PITTSBURGH—According to sources who don’t see why he can’t just step on the gas and get a move on already, a local taxi driver was apparently just taking his sweet time as if his passenger weren’t 10 goddamned minutes late for a Co...
Top Photojournalism Of 2013