While many people will be gathering with family and friends this holiday season to eat, drink, and be merry, others may not have anyone with whom to celebrate the festivities.
The Onion's movie critic Peter K.
In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, law enforcement departments across the country are instituting new rules and policies to ensure safer practices.
Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week: Start ’Em Johnny Manziel (QB): Manziel is finally showing the type of deluded confidence ...
ALPHARETTA, GA—Gathering around the kitchen table to pick out their favorites, all four members of the Johnson household eagerly dug into a 38-piece AstraZeneca pill sampler that they received as a holiday gift, sources confirmed Friday.
BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...
Top Guitar Tabs We Learned In 2014
The Onion’s Holiday Gift Guide For Kids
PALO ALTO, CA—Explaining how economic conditions were drastically altering citizens’ behavior and spending patterns, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Stanford Business School revealed that rising income inequality was causing more...
ELIZABETHTOWN, PA—Voicing displeasure at her blatant disregard for his privacy, area teenager Chad Fleming reported Wednesday that he is fed up with his mother always barging into his room to put away freshly washed laundry.
The holidays are supposed to be a festive time, but when families gather together, arguments and negativity often threaten to spoil the occasion.
OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.
INDIANAPOLIS—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Indianapolis Colts scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his NFL dream five years after being diagnosed with a rare autoimm...
By Janice Ketchum
When The Onion’s editorial board convened to determine its Person of the Year for 2014, the members of our selection committee were in agreement that identifying the individual most worthy of this distinguished honor would be no easy task.
The interim dean of Columbia Law School announced that students who reported being traumatized or disturbed by the American legal system after the non-indictments of officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo will be permitted to delay their final exams.
The Senate Intelligence Committee’s recently released report on the use of torture on terror suspects after 9/11 revealed that the agency paid two military psychologists $81 million to devise and carry out enhanced interrogation techniques on detain...
Top 10 TV Moments Of 2014
VERONA, WI—Despite his best efforts to conceal the damage, area teen Kyle Towser confirmed Wednesday that his parents could clearly tell he had a huge house fire while they were away for the weekend.
Amazon has introduced a new feature called Make an Offer, which allows online shoppers to propose a lower price to sellers that they can either accept, reject, or counter-offer, though at this point the feature mostly applies to sports memorabilia, movie ...
RICHMOND, VA—Saying that several of them had learned the hard way, members of the Gordon family confirmed to reporters Friday that they knew damn well not to believe Mom’s little bullshit speech about not giving gifts this Christmas.
Those We Lost in 2014
BUFFALO, NY—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Buffalo Bills scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his NFL dream five years after being diagnosed with a rare autoimmune di...
Top 10 Apps Of 2014
After Florida man Timothy Poole won $3 million from a scratch-off lottery ticket and posed in a photo with his check, internet users and authorities recognized him as a convicted sex offender who has been arrested 12 times for crimes that include grand th...
Following a spate of high-profile domestic violence cases involving the likes of Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, the NFL officially ratified a new personal conduct policy this week for all players and league employees.
NEW YORK—Bringing further attention to the NFL’s ongoing struggles with head-trauma-related issues, an anonymous survey published Thursday by ESPN revealed that multiple players from the New York Jets lied about suffering from concussion sympt...
Why Aren't We Going To Our Office Holiday Party?
Only Post On Fantasy Football League Message Board Still Commissioner’s Message Announcing Time Of Draft
Here’s The Onion’s guide to what to watch this holiday season