EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing. “Seriously, someone better take these things from Ashcraft—he just can’t help himself,” read the report in part, which went on to describe the man, who spent much of the evening standing beside the snack table, as “bad” and “so bad” for continuing to consume the snack after repeatedly stating he should stop.